Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Identity Crisis

All I ever wanted to be was a mom.  I had no aspirations of being a teacher, a dietician, a doctor or a savvy business woman.  I wanted to find my best match and start a family.  And the Lord provided.  But little did I know that I’d have the TOUGHEST job in the world.  And somehow I became all of the other professions I had never aspired to be (minus the savvy)!
As my afflictions became part of my daily life.  I often wondered who I was and if I still wanted to be a mom.  I couldn’t participate in the physical activities I had in my youth.  I could no longer stay up late with the girls.  I couldn't attend work.  I had children to take care of and for the most part they took care of me.  Who had I become?  Not the fun girl of my youth.  Sure, the Lord had given me all I ever asked for, but was this it?
Don’t get me wrong, being a mom has had tremendous rewards.  And I love my children to the depths of my soul.  But somewhere along the way I had forgotten what I wanted to be when I grew up.  My sickness controls so much of what I am able to do and is so much a part of who I am that I’m no longer the same person I used to be.  And this saddens me.  I liked her.  A LOT.
Leaving the past behind,  I wonder if I have changed because of circumstance or if this is how God has shaped me into who He wants me to be.  If none of this had ever happened would I still be the same person I am today?   Or was I always meant to be this girl? 
I’ve come to realize that the Lord has given me all I’ve ever asked for.  He has heard my prayers and answered my cries, but I can’t do it alone.  Every day is a struggle and He has been with me every step of the way, carrying me through and guiding me in the direction He would have me go.  So that I may continue to be the person He’s always intended me to be.
Whether I am a teacher, a dietician, a doctor, a business woman or a mom I am foremost a child of God.  And that’s just who I want to be when I grow up.